At the Mountains of Sadness

My little baby,

who had no name,

who I knew nothing about,

had no heartbeat today.

 

He never saw my face,

he never heard my voice,

but he was loved by me,

and he felt the love of his mother.

 

I thought he was going to complete our family,

and without this little life, I feel… incomplete.

 

The moment I heard my baby was gone,

I never once thought “why me,”

I thought why not me?

Why not us?

 

Am I anything special,

that I don’t deserve to feel,

what so many others have felt,

and what so many others have endured?

 

I Praise God for my three healthy children,

and I hugged them a little harder tonight.

 

I hung up the phone with my wife in tears,

and hurried home to be by her side,

I thought to myself, “how could there be people,

that don’t want their babies, that don’t want this life?”

 

I wanted my child,

I wanted his life,

I wanted to know him,

I wanted it all.

 

But now I arrived home to a broken wife,

and all I could do is sit by her side.

 

My first prayer was from my hearts cry,

I just wanted his heart to start beating,

I wanted the world to know that my God

is still the God of miracles.

 

Maybe my faith is weak,

but I don’t think He’s doing that this time,

I think He has different plans,

despite my inner dreams.

 

This feels so surreal, I keep thinking I’ll wake-up

and I’ll have learned some sort of lesson I’ll never forget.

 

But all I’m left with is hope,

hope that things will get better,

hope that I can maybe feel complete again,

hope that it’ll be easier to tell the next person.

 

The hardest thing a Pastor is asked,

“Do babies go to heaven?”

I have never shied from the question,

and I can only tell you how I feel.

 

I believe my little one is in heaven,

and that I’ll get to meet him one day.

 

I’m not ignorant of the Scriptures,

there are passages that are held up as proofs,

but whether one goes with the letter of the Law,

or with the heart of the person of Jesus Christ.

 

We are left only guessing,

we are left only hoping,

we are left only begging,

we are left only dreaming.

 

If I know one thing it’s that God loves me,

and that He loves little children.

 

But if God says that all babies go to heaven,

then the horror of abortion has just lost a bit of its sting,

and if God says that all babies go to hell,

then the horror would be that of our anger toward Him.

 

So God in His wisdom chooses silence instead,

and people and religions scramble for that middle ground,

I personally pray that God has extended His covenant with me,

to cover my children in situations such as this.

 

So I pray, no, I believe that I will see that little one some time,

not because he deserves it nor I, but purely on God’s Grace and Mercy

 

I wonder who will recognize who?

I wonder if he will be grown or small?

I wonder if we remember people who aren’t there?

I wonder more about heaven then I could ever know.

 

My kids have such a simple understanding of heaven,

I envy their blissful acceptance of such things,

I feel consumed with sadness and prayers for my wife,

and the desire to just shut out the world and never speak of this again!

 

But I’m not alone in this,

this is the way of this fallen world.

 

Others have faced this,

and even others will still,

we now have a camaraderie,

that the rest of you wont understand.

 

So I pray for you tonight,

those hurting like us,

I’m not sure what to pray for,

but the prayers are yours.

 

I now go to just close my eyes,

hoping that my dreams are elsewhere from these Mountains of Sadness.


7 thoughts on “At the Mountains of Sadness

  1. Oh Joe , You and Amanda have certainly given so much of your lives to the Lord. It is so hard to understand why this would happen but we have a God that has a wonderful plan for our lives. We must trust Him . My continued prayers for your family as you trust God in this , your time of sadness.

  2. Joe, Thanks for sharing that poem. It expresses the feelings that so many have felt with tragedies. May God bless you, Amanda, and the rest of your family.

  3. My heart breaks for you in this time of grief. It is all too familiar and devastating as I share your pain today. Please know that we, and so many others, are praying for you and are here for you. God loves your baby more than we all can imagine and I believe we will all meet him some day too. Prayers for peace.

  4. Joe, Amanda, and family, I could not be more sad for your loss. You are all in my prays and I believe God’s mercy, grace, and comfort will carry you through this difficult time.

  5. Joe, you continue to amaze me with your heart-filled writing. We are all so sad, but in faith we know God is in control. This dose not take the pain away, but adds another dimension of Hope in Him. I pray for His Perfect Peace and a lifting of this burden of pain.
    Your mom

  6. Joe, my daughter went through something like that. They waited to tell everybody till she was far enough along because she had one miscarriage already. When so many weeks went by they told everybody. Picked a name out and everything. Then one day she felt something was wrong went to the doctor and the baby was not alive. They waited a week to see if her body would abort but it did not. They had to go in and take the baby. It was so traumatic even more so than the first miscarriage. I say all that to say you are right, we trust God in the things we can not understand and our faith will care us through. They will always be a part of your family, just not present in the here and now. We can not lose hope, we know God is over all things and will bring joy in the midst of pain. Not joy that he is not here but joy that God has all things and we can rest in that. How precious are our the little children to Him. They are precious in His sight.

    May the God of Glory bring comfort and peace to your hearts during this time. A fallen, sinful world would destroy every good thing if not for God. God has not left you, He is drawing you near at this time. We love you and your family and will continue to lift you up during this time. When we can not do anything for ourselves it is when He shines the most.

    My heart breaks for you and your family, but I know God will see you through. Praying for that end.

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