I personally celebrate both Christmas and Festivus – Christmas because I love Jesus, and Festivus because I love Seinfeld. So in the spirit of this made-up, American holiday, I hope you will join me in airing your grievances, comparing your feats of strength, and pointing out any Festivus miracles that happened in your life this year.
The Airing of Grievances
Oh, politics stunk this year. Politicians always stink, but I don’t remember people getting sooo angry at one another in past years. I feel like I’m one of 7 sane people out there that understood that we were going to get an unbelievably flawed candidate as President. One of them was going to win and one was going to lose, and about 1/3 of the country would be ticked about it. But the nastiness and hysteria is just out of control. I think it’s more of the media than regular people-folk but still. I’m grieved.
Oh, and you Summer Olympics were pretty much worthless. Those used to bring our country together for at least a few months, but you were pretty much a waste this year. Simone Biles tried her best, but those 5 gold medals didn’t repair our brokenness. I’m grieved.
Oh, and way too many cool people died this year. Now I know that when people get old that they die. Like Gene Wilder. Man, poor Willy Wonka. (I think my favorite movie of his was Young Frankenstein though.) But I get it. He was 80-something. That’s pretty old, I should have expected it. But I could not have been prepared for Alan Rickman dying. No doubt, Severus Snape is an all-time great character. But he’s also incredible in Die Hard (my favorite Christmas movie,) and I absolutely love him in Galaxy Quest. Am I the only one who thinks Alan Rickman might have rescued all mankind from some Dark Wizard and the Lame Stream Media just reported it as “cancer.” We all know he could beat cancer. Cancer must be code word for Avada Kedavra. Well Alan Rickman, By Grabthars Hammer, you shall be avenged! And what about Anton Yelchin. The kid was just 27 years old when he died. He didn’t die from suicide or drug use, which would still be incredibly sad, but he tragically died in a freak accident. His SUV pinned him against the gate to his home. He left the car in neutral and it crushed him as he was checking his mail. What a bright young star. Chekov, Kyle Reese, Charlie Bartlett, Fright Night kid, and the massively underrated Odd Thomas left us too soon. I miss you my little Russian Jewish Friend. And don’t even get me started on Harambe. It’s still too raw. Honorable mentions for me were David Bowie (more for his role in Zoolander than his music), Prince (more for going with a symbol for a name, that’s bold), and Pat Summit (best basketball coach, period.) I’m still grieving.
Oh, and the DC movie universe. Come on guys. You can do better than this. I don’t hate your movies as much as I should, but it’s only because I love Superman so much and I’m just happy to see him on screen. But you need to start producing good movies soon. It can’t be that hard. I’m grieved.
Feats of Strength
I think I might be the weakest I’ve been since I was 13 years old. Let’s just put it this way. I think I ate more subs at Jersey Mikes than I did reps at the gym. Eeek. But I do think I showed you up in some other categories. I took all 3 kids to Dinosaur World… by myself. Yeah, that’s right. Who can beat that? I also watched every episode of Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse (no less than 86 times.) A lesser man wouldn’t have made it past the episode where Ken made a robot Barbie-clone that tried to overtake Barbie’s fashion empire. I also, replaced 2 Beta fish without my daughters noticing. (Although my oldest did comment that Strawberries looked smaller and she figured she must need to start feeding her two flakes a day. Good idea buddy. Good idea.) So I think these Feats of Strength will hold up to any other 30-something Father out there. I bring on all challengers in the comment section.
Now understand the difference between a miracle and a Festivus miracle. Miracles are impossible interventions by God that break the laws of nature. A Festivus Miracle is barely a coincidence. (For instance, Fidel Castro dying at 90 years old was more just a matter of time, than a “miracle.”
So here are this year’s Festivus Miracles:
3) Tigers There are more Tigers this year than last (amazing what happens when there are more giant killer cats in American’s back yards than in the wild. True stat by the way.)
2) Elon Musk Thank-you for actually doing cool stuff (amazing the ideas you have when you get a few billion dollars from the US and foreign governments.)
1) Chicago Cubs World Series Champs!!! (It’s close to a true miracle, unless you look at that they had the best pitching staff, best young hitters, the best manager, and the best regular season record.)
Well, that’s my year-end review. 2016 was a great year for me because my Little Man-Cub was born and my whole family is happy and healthy. I’ll always praise God (but it makes it easier when those things happen.)
Feel free to comment on your Festivus thoughts
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2 thoughts on “Festivus: My Grievances, Feats of Strength, and Miracles”
You are hilarious Joe. Especially liked the Feats of Strength section. Thete is no daddy better than you, I guarantee it!
Too easy on the DC film universe. Pure fan exploitation (not to mention the annoyingly apparent Batman bias) . As a DC fan, its tough to watch Marvel eat their lunch. What Marvel has done is amazing.